


I Try to Forget

by JadeSelena



Series: Beholden [1]
Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 11:37:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16891875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeSelena/pseuds/JadeSelena
Summary: Post Sailor Moon S Usagi/Haruka angst. Established Usagi/Mamoru Haruka/Michiru. After a brief secret romance with Haruka, Usagi is having a hard time letting go.  Be forewarned that the ship is Usagi/Haruka.





	I Try to Forget

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :) This - my first Sailor Moon fic, despite my long-standing obsession, and my first post to AO3 - has been sitting on my computer for going on twenty years. While I was always a Serena/Darien fan in the American version, watching the original version kinda destroyed that and sparked my love of Usagi/Haruka. I know it's not a conventional or well-liked pairing as they both have their respective true loves, and I normally don't write F/F, but this idea got a hold of me and I couldn't not write it. And now, twenty years later, I was struck with the need to share it in case someone else would appreciate it as I do.
> 
> It is a song fic (Shania Twain's It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing) as the lyrics set the tone perfectly I believe, but feel free to skip over the bolded paragraphs if that's not your thing.
> 
> Bold sections are song, italics are flashbacks.
> 
> I own nothing except the idea (which hopefully has not been done before). Set after the events of Sailor Moon S.
> 
> Also posted on FF.net

**Hope life's been good to you**  
**since you've been gone**  
**I'm doin' fine now-I've finally moved on**  
**It's not so bad-I'm not that sad**

Usagi sat on a bench overlooking the river – knees pulled up to her chest and long hair shadowing her solemn face – as she covertly spied on the pair standing not twenty feet away. They looked the perfect couple, she had to admit, leaning closely together over the pier; the taller of the two brushing a wind-blown hair back from her companion's smiling face, the other girl's cheeks rosy from the affections and the breeze coming off the water. And as though the scene before her wasn't torment  _enough_  a soft peal of laughter floated across the distance to assault Usagi's burning ears. She wondered at how easily it prompted a burning in her eyes; how that one sound could echo through her mind so loudly she thought her head might explode from the pressure. But she knew the answer; knew it all too well, in fact. Felt it in every fiber of her being. Because not so long ago, however inappropriately, the attention had been hers to bask in and the same melody had drifted from her own lips.  _Once_ , before her world had been shattered and along with it her heart…

" _Ruka-chan, where are you taking me?" Usagi huffed as she stopped to rest, doubled over with her hands on her knees. "Why are we climbing the mountain?"_

_Looking back at her Haruka (somewhat) patiently explained, "Because we have an anniversary to celebrate, Odango…"_

_Usagi didn't even think to take offence at the old unwelcome nickname, too shocked by the mention of an anniversary. "Anniversary of what?" It came out as a grunt as her friend tugged her hand to get her going again._

" _You're so inquisitive," Haruka chastised, her tone affectionate. It wasn't long before they'd reached their destination and she pulled Usagi to a stop. "Anniversary of the first time we fought together, Koneko-chan. Or don't you remember?" Stepping aside she revealed the cave they had hidden in the year before._

" _The tire daimohn,_ _"_ _Usagi whispered in awe, recalling the battle. "I didn't think you would remember, Ruka-chan." Not when Mamoru didn't even remember their first kiss, and "It's not like we're dating or anything…" A bright blush rose to her cheeks when she realized she'd said that aloud._

_Haruka tightened her grip, preventing the younger girl from fleeing in embarrassment, and graced her with a sweet smile. "Just come on; stop being so stubborn."_

_Reluctantly following her into the cave Usagi was amazed to find a picnic set up at the spot where they'd first crouched, Sailors Moon and Uranus still unaware of each other's true identities, and resenting the fact that they'd been handcuffed to each other. "Ruka-chan, it's beautiful!" She worked her hand free to kneel on the blanket and examine their lunch, 'ooh'ing and 'aah'ing at the selection._

" _Satisfied?" Haruka chuckled, sitting next to her and removing an errant pigtail from a container._

_Usagi stopped her investigation to look into the sandy-haired senshi's eyes. "You didn't have to do this, Ruka-chan. Not that I don't appreciate it..." She trailed off when Haruka reached out and cupped her chin._

_"I know I didn't have to…" the older girl whispered, "I *_ _wanted*_ _to."_

_She looked off into the shadows then, as though remembering, and Usagi let her contemplate in silence._

" _You taught me something here that day, though I didn't allow myself to fully believe it until after you had stopped the Silence *_ _and*_ _saved Saturn…" When she turned back to Usagi her irises had darkened and her voice was hoarse. "You taught me that showing compassion doesn't mean you're weak. That you can be a fighter... have a mission… and still be gentle, the way you were with me when I was wounded…"_

" _I did?" Usagi breathed past the lump in her throat. "I'm so glad."_

 _Haruka nodded, tracing her fingers lightly over Usagi's jaw. "I never finished what I started to say that day. That being there with you like that... that being *_ _with*_ _you... you made me want to be a better person, Koneko-chan."_

_Usagi placed a hand over the one on her cheek, her lips pursed in a surprised 'o'. Holding her friend's intense stare she smiled a guilty smile, cursing herself for feeling the same attraction she'd felt that day and many times before and since._

**I'm not surprised just how well I survived**  
**I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive**  
**I can't complain-I'm free again**

From the moment they'd first met in the Crown Arcade Usagi had been undeniably intrigued by the enigma that was Haruka Tenoh. At first she had attributed it to the reaction of a typical teenage girl to an older, very handsome boy, and that Minako would feel the same had only confirmed her thoughts: before them stood a fine specimen of man that was most definitely drool-worthy. And when they'd started stalking the talented racer, well, Usagi had told herself she was just doing it for her friend and  _not_  because she needed to know more about the mysterious guy that had suddenly walked into their arcade and their lives. And when it was discovered that Haruka was in fact a girl (and quite obviously involved with the girl called Michiru), Usagi had laughed off her initial attraction and resumed life as usual…

But as time went on and she began seeing more and more of the sandy-haired beauty she came to resent the constant presence of the  _teal_ -haired beauty. She would look at Michiru and envy her grace, her serenity, her  _perfection_ ; hate herself for not being in possession of any of those things. Afterwards she would wonder how anyone could possibly adore her the way Michiru was adored; would think of Mamoru and how they got along best when they were in the middle of a crisis – that as plain old clumsy Usagi she seemed mostly to embarrass and exasperate him – and she'd get an awful feeling that he was only with her because destiny dictated it. She would ask herself if that was the way she wanted to live her life: loved only for who she would eventually become and tolerated for all the things she wasn't. It made her realize anew that it didn't really matter  _what_ she wanted, and on those nights – when the sense of being trapped was overwhelming – she would send Luna to visit Artemis and Minako because she knew she would cry herself to sleep.

 **And it only hurts when I'm breathing**  
**My heart only breaks when it's beating**  
**My dreams only die when I'm dreaming**  
**So, I hold my breath-to forget**

_Usagi snuggled closer into the crook of Haruka's arm as she pulled the picnic blanket tighter around them; chanced a look at her new lover's face and blushed as she thought of what they had just done. "Ruka-chan?" she whispered, daring not to wake her if she'd already fallen asleep. When the older girl failed to respond she began tracing soft patterns on exposed flesh with a nimble finger; grinned victoriously when Haruka opened one eye a slit and peered at her with a raised eyebrow._

" _Nani, Koneko-chan?"_

_Grin broadening, Usagi propped herself up on an elbow and covered her naked body with her loose hair. "Mmm, I love it when you call me that," she purred as she placed a quick kiss to Haruka's cheek._

Haruka had never made her cry. She had always treated Usagi as an equal, never chastising her for not being smart enough or polite enough or dignified enough; never made her feel stupid or inferior or melodramatic even though everyone else did and it probably would have been warranted. When she'd been upset about something silly Haruka would just listen to her rant then good-naturedly tease her until she was either distracted from her imagined woes or had realized she was being childish. And as strange as it was to have a girl shamelessly flirt with her, it had made Usagi feel precious and desirable.

" _Was there something you wanted to say or was your sole purpose to wake me up?" Haruka growled playfully, turning on her side so that they were facing each other._

 _Usagi realized she'd been lost in thought; had a hard time meeting the other girl_ _'s_ _gaze._

" _What is it, Koneko-chan? You know you can tell me," Haruka encouraged as she brushed Usagi's long hair behind her shoulder._

_Pulling away from the affectionate touch Usagi stood to gather her clothes from the cave floor. "This can't last, can it? I'm so happy with you…" Glancing back at Haruka where she still lay, only half-covered by the blanket, she sighed, "But Mamoru and Michiru." She shook her head and willed the tears not to fall. "What have we done, Ruka-chan?"_

_Haruka stood and went to her._

_Usagi's rushed attempt to dress was halted by strong arms wrapping around her from behind, her clothes falling to the floor as she was spun around. The reality of their betrayal weighing heavily, she pressed her ear against Haruka's chest to listen to the calming sound of her heartbeat. When the other girl's hand snaked into her hair to pull her even closer Usagi couldn't help but marvel at how they always seemed to fall into that position. And how it always felt so *_ _right*_ _…_

" _We'll figure something out, Koneko-chan, just like we usually do," the older senshi promised as she soothingly ran one hand through Usagi's long hair. Using the other to force eye contact she whispered, "Do you trust me?"_

_Usagi blinked away the tears and nodded. "Hai." If Haruka said it would be all right then it would be; she had no doubt._

_Moving the hand from Usagi's chin Haruka wiped away the tears that had managed to fall and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. "Good. Now come lay with me…"_

_The clothes and the guilt lay where they had fallen, forgotten._

No, Haruka had never made her cry. Not for being Usagi Tsukino, crybaby klutz extraordinaire, anyway… When Uranus and Neptune had first arrived on the scene Sailor Moon hadn't known  _what_  to think of them, her initial run-in with Uranus setting the tone of confusion with an unexpected kiss and an almost offensive warning not to interfere (hello?! it was  _her_ city!). They were colder than her own senshi – with a purpose they wouldn't share and a mission they wouldn't fail – and she had never met  _anyone_  who straddled the line between good and evil as well as they had. So when she began to suspect their real identities it had hit her hard. She couldn't believe that her kind and playful sandy-haired friend was also the ruthless and bitter senshi of Uranus; wouldn't  _truly_  believe it until she'd seen them transform with her own eyes. She'd hoped it was a turning point for the three of them, revealing their secret identities to each other in order to save Minako, but instead of strengthening their bond as senshi it had destroyed it; because Sailor Moon had refused to allow innocents to be sacrificed in the war against the Death Busters and the Silence, their budding friendship became the ultimate casualty. Usagi had thought it ironic, that where most people preferred her alter-ego it was that aspect of her personality that had turned them against her, and their vehement declarations that she was too immature and idealistic to trust with the fate of the world had devastated her, not only because she valued their opinion but because she couldn't say with absolute certainty that they were  _wrong_. And on those nights – when she was so debilitated by self-doubt that the tears wouldn't come – Luna had cried  _for_  her, swearing she would take away the burden of leadership if she could.

 **Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night**  
**There's no need to worry, I'm really all right**  
**I've never looked back-as a matter of fact**

But it had all worked out in the end, the world saved without anyone being sacrificed, Sailor Moon earning the loyalty and respect of the Outer Senshi. It was their friendship Usagi had wanted, though, so she'd asked them to stay in Tokyo, at least until she could be sure that it was back on track. That's what she'd told herself, anyway, ignoring the beat her heart skipped when Haruka smiled her agreement.

 _No_ , Haruka had never made her cry for being Usagi Tsukino. Until now…

Usagi's fingers traced her lips where she could still imagine Haruka's pressed against them, watching in horrified silence as Michiru rose on her tiptoes and drew Haruka's face down for her own gentle kiss. Each time she cried over the tall short-haired senshi she swore to herself it would be the last, but she was hardly surprised to find herself wiping tears from her flaming cheeks. Turning away from the private moment she tried to come up with an explanation that would disprove what she knew to be the truth: that Haruka and Michiru loved each other. And why shouldn't they? They were destined to be together just as Usagi and Mamoru were. The future queen of Crystal Tokyo could accept that as she had accepted the future she didn't necessarily want. But then why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel as though the breath was being stolen from her lungs and the life from her body? She would have her heart crystal stolen from her chest a million times more if it meant she would never have to feel this way again. Yet she sat there still, torturing herself with what was and what might have been. Why couldn't she tear her eyes away? Walk away from what she knew would only cause her pain? Because the pain was the only thing that assured her she was still alive. The pain was all she had left of a love she had cherished and watched fall to pieces around her. And still she clutched at the shards of what she had lost and cut herself with every movement. Just. To. Feel. All she wanted was to feel…

 **And it only hurts when I'm breathing**  
**My heart only breaks when it's beating**  
**My dreams only die when I'm dreaming**

Usagi sighed and cursed her eternal life. Would she feel this way forever? Would the hole left in her heart ache each time she saw her? A heartache she couldn't even share with her friends? Balling her hands into fists in her lap she struggled for air that just wouldn't come. She felt as though she was drowning and the only one who could save her had chosen to save another. Glaring at the silhouettes of her fellow senshi, Usagi forced herself to breathe naturally and calm her wildly racing heart. 'I won't let her do this to me,' she thought stubbornly. 'I won't.'

**So, I hold my breath-to forget**

Usagi flinched when she realized that the objects of her thoughts were coming towards her. Wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeve she plastered on a smile that could light a room and stood to greet them. "Haruka-san! Michiru-san! What are you two doing out here so late?"

"Usagi," Michiru nodded her greeting.

"I would ask the same thing of you, Koneko," Haruka countered with a smile. "It's not safe for a girl like you to be out so late alone in Tokyo."

Usagi couldn't help but feel she was being mocked with the familiar nickname – once so welcome and now so painful. Did they talk about her? Giggle about the school-girl crush she feared was written all over her face whenever they met? Cringing inwardly at how obvious and childish she must seem to them both she lashed out, crystal blue eyes blazing with hurt. "I'm not  _alone_  if you must know; Mamo-chan is meeting me any minute now and he's taking me for ice-cream…" Had it been anyone but Haruka she would have stuck out her tongue for good measure.

"She didn't mean anything by it, Usagi," Michiru interceded softly, lacing her arm through her girfriend's. "You know she's just teasing the way she usually does…"

Haruka nodded. "I didn't mean anything by it…"

It seemed to Usagi there was a harsher  _hidden_ meaning there… She nodded back, not trusting her voice to be level should she use it.

Tugging on Haruka's arm Michiru began to walk away. "We have to go now… I hope Mamoru doesn't keep you waiting too long."

Usagi swallowed the sorrow; forced a cheery, "Good night!"

"Good night, Usagi," they echoed.

When Haruka looked back Usagi avoided her gaze, certain it was filled with disdain. Or maybe pity… She waited until they were out of sight before slumping back onto the bench and hiding her face in her hands. Why did everything have to be so  _hard_? _  
_

**It only hurts when I breathe**

**Mmm, no, I've never looked back-**  
**as a matter fact**

_Usagi placed a soft kiss to her secret lover's shoulder; let out a content sigh. "Mmm. I wish we could stay like this forever…"_

_Pulling away Haruka moved to sit at the edge of the bed. "Koneko-chan, we need to talk…"_

" _Ugh!" Usagi groaned, "What did I do now?"_

" _You didn't do anything. It's just…"_

_She trailed off, turning away to stare out the window, and Usagi's heart dropped into her stomach with dread._

" _We can't be together anymore. It's not right…"_

 _Usagi hustled up to sit next to her, tugging on her arm until their gazes met. "Is it my scores? I know I haven't been spending as much time on my studies as I should be…" When the other girl shook her head she implored, "Just tell me what I did and I won't do it again. I *_ _promise*_ _!"_

_Haruka stood to pace in front of her. "It's not you, Koneko-chan. It's just… You need to go back to Mamoru. It's where you belong."_

" _How can you say that?!" Going to her side Usagi grabbed her hand to stop the pacing; raised it to her chest and placed it over her heart. "This is where I belong, Ruka-chan! With you! Can't you feel it?"_

" _I don't feel *_ _anything*_ _…" Haruka shook free of Usagi's grasp and stepped back. "…except the need for you to leave. Michiru will be home soon."_

" _You're just teasing, right?!" Usagi's face crumbled at the cruelty she'd never thought to suffer again – not from *_ _her*_ _– and hot tears began to pool in her eyes. "Why are you doing this?! You said you…" Her voice cracked; fell to a hoarse whisper: "You said you *_ _love*_ _me!"_

_Haruka's tone was flat. Indifferent. "I was mistaken; caught up in your adoration. I love Michiru."_

" _No…" Usagi shook her head in denial._

"* _Yes*_ _!" Bending to pick Usagi's clothes from the floor Haruka thrust them into her arms and turned back to the window. "And you love Mamoru. That's how it was meant to be and that's how it *_ _is*_ _; you have to accept that."_

 _Clutching her arm Usagi swore, "But I don't *_ _want*_ _to, Ruka-chan! I want to be with *_ _you*_ _!"_

" _Baka!" Haruka spun around, almost knocking Usagi to the ground. "Listen for once in your life: I don't *_ _want*_ _you!"_

_Usagi stumbled backwards – as much from the vicious words as from the sudden movement – and quickly dressed, feeling confused and exploited and utterly exposed. "Ruka…"_

" _You have to leave, Usagi." As soon as she'd put on her shoes Haruka pushed her into the living room. "I don't want Michiru to find you here…"_

_The harsh unfamiliar use of her name had Usagi nodding her tearful acquiescence, defeated. "You can make me go…" She retrieved her bag from where she'd tossed it earlier in her delight to be there – marveled at how much had changed in an hour – and opened the apartment door. "…but you can't make me stop loving you…"_

**And it only hurts when I'm breathing**  
**My heart only breaks when it's beating**  
**My dreams only die when I'm dreaming**  
**So, I hold my breath-to forget**

A hand on her shoulder brought Usagi out of her reverie. "Ruka-chan?" she whispered as she turned around.

"No, it's me," Mamoru corrected, helping her to stand. "Sorry I'm so late; we were busy at work so they asked me to stay longer. Did I miss anything?"

Usagi hid her disappointment; made a show of thinking about his question with a finger on her lips before shaking her head in the negative. "Nope. Nothing new."

"Shall we go, then, Usako?" He held out his arm for her to take. "Get that sundae I promised you?"

She dazzled him with a radiant (if half-hearted) smile and accepted the arm and a kiss to her cheek. "Chocolate?"

Beginning the trek to the ice cream shop he offered, "Whatever you want…"

Usagi's smile faltered, then faded altogether, as she stared at his profile: his not quite high enough cheekbones, his too dark features. 'I wish you could give it to me, Mamo-chan,' she thought, suppressing a shiver.

"You're cold…" Mamoru took off his jacket and placed it around her sagging shoulders, then gave her petite form a gentle squeeze. "Better?"

Looking up into his expectant face Usagi could only nod numbly.

 **Hurts when I'm breathing**  
**Breaks when it's beating**  
**Die when I'm dreaming**

She didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't the cold that had caused her to shiver.

**It only hurts when I breathe**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for giving the story a chance. If you enjoyed it, please let me know - there could possibly be a follow-up from Haruka's POV ;)


End file.
